| All
performers have a list of essentials that they ask for at each venue
and BBFM is no exception. Take a look at what Tom, Mike, Adrian, and
David need in order to be at their best.
GENERAL
BAND NEEDS:
ALL
POLITICAL UNREST IN AREA IS TO BE QUELLED PRIOR TO BAND’S ARRIVAL.
ALL SPINACH DIP AND RELATED
PRODUCTS MUST BE REMOVED FROM VENUE PRIOR TO BAND’S ARRIVAL
AND NEVER SPOKEN OF AGAIN.
ALL SURFACES PAINTED "PERIWINKLE"
BLUE, MUST BE REFERRED TO AS BEING "AQUA MARINE" FOR THE DURATION
OF THE BAND’S STAY.
ONE PERSON (MALE OVER THE
AGE OF 27 OR FEMALE UNDER THE AGE OF 33) IS TO BE AVAILABLE FROM
THE TIME OF THE BAND’S ARRIVAL TO ACT AS A "SLIM JIM WRANGLER".
THIS PERSON IS TO BE OUTFITTED WITH A VARIETY OF "SLIM JIM" SNACKS.
THEY ARE TO FOLLOW THE BAND AT A DISTANCE OF NO MORE THEN 10 FEET
AND NO LESS THEN 9 FEET. KNOWLEDGE OF OBSCURE EUROPEAN DIALECTS
HAS NO EFFECTS ON THIS PERSON’S USEFULNESS.
ONE BLUE FELT TIP PEN (SHARPIE
BRAND PREFERRED) THAT HAS NEVER BEEN USED TO WRITE THE WORD "CRISPY"
(MUST BE VERIFIED BY INDEPENDENT SOURCE) MUST BE PLACED IN AN
EMPTY "DAFFY DUCK" JELLY JAR AT LEAST 2 HOURS BEFORE SHOW TIME
AND CARRIED AROUND BY A MEMBER OF THE VENUE STAFF AS IF IT WERE
A RELIGIOUS ARTIFACT OF SOME SIGNIFICANCE.
PROMOTERS AND STAFF ARE NEVER
TO ARGUE OR DISAGREE WITH ARTIST. EVEN IF THE ARTIST IS BEING
"PETULANT AND CHILDLIKE".
3 OF THE LARGEST CONDOMS
AVAILABLE. 1 TINY ONE.
ANY CHEMICAL "GLOW STICK"
TYPE OF DEVICES IN VENUE MUST HAVE THEIR BRIGHTNESS REDUCED BY
¾. A LOCAL UNION CERTIFIED "BRIGHTNESS REDUCER" MUST DO THIS.
ANY PORNOGRAPHIC MAGAZINES
SUPPLIED TO THE BAND ARE TO BE SEPARATED INTO TWO PILES. ONE FOR
MAGAZINES CONTAINING ONE OR MORE PICTURES OF WOMEN WITH MUSTACHE
AND ONE FOR MAGAZINES NOT CONTAINING PICTURES OF WOMEN WITH MUSTACHE
BOWLING OR TALK OF BOWLING
IS PROHIBITED IN BAND’S PRESENCE.
ALL TOILET TISSUE SUPPLIED
TO THE BAND MUST BE PRINTED WITH PICTURES OF INFAMOUS PEOPLE (I.E.
TERRORISTS, UNPOPULAR POLITICIANS, ETC.) OR FUNNY CATCH PHRASES.
A PROFESSIONAL CARD READER
OR PSYCHIC MEDIUM IS TO BE KEPT PARTIALLY SUBMERGED IN A VAT OF
BLACK INK FOR THE DURATION OF THE BAND’S STAY.
A LOCAL, PROFESSIONAL DISC
JOCKEY IS TO BE SET UP IN THE BAND’S CATERING ROOM FROM THE
TIME OF BAND’S ARRIVAL. HE SHOULD HAVE IN HIS POSSESSION
THE COMPLETE RECORDED WORKS OF THE CARPENTERS, ANNE MURRAY AND
CANNIBAL CORPSE. UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES IS HE/SHE PERMITTED TO
PLAY OR SPEAK. THIS DJ SHOULD ALSO BE BLIND IN AT LEAST ONE EYE
(PLEASE SELECT A DJ THAT IS ALREADY BLINDED. THERE IS TO BE NO
MAIMING ON OUR BEHALF).
THE AROMA OF "CHILI" MUST
BE PRESENT IN VENUE FROM THE TIME OF BAND’S ARRIVAL, BUT
UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES IS THE BAND TO SEE ANY "CHILI" BEING COOKED.
A LOCAL EDUCATOR THAT CAN
DISCUSS, AT SOME LENGTH, WHY THE "AMISH ARE EVIL" MUST BE ON CALL
FOR THE DURATION OF THE BAND’S STAY. IN THE EVENT THAT THIS
EDUCATOR IS CALLED TO THE VENUE, HE MUST ARRIVE ON A MOPED AND
BE WEARING ROUND GLASSES AND A TWEED SPORTS COAT WITH ELBOW PATCHES.
THE WORDS "CHEESE FOOD" HAVE
NO PLACE AT A BiggerBetterFasterMore EVENT!!
ALL MIMES ARE TO BE SILENCED
AT LEAST 45 MINUTES PRIOR TO SHOW TIME.
ANY TELEVISIONS SHOWING "BASS
FISHING" SHOWS ARE SUBJECT TO IMMEDIATE SPRAY PAINTING.
IT IS VERY IMPORTANT THAT
INDIVIDUAL ARTISTS APPEAR BIGGER THAN VENUE STAFF AT ALL TIMES.
PLEASE CONSULT BAND MANAGEMENT FOR EXACT HEIGHT AND WEIGHT BREAKDOWNS
OF BAND MEMBERS BEFORE ASSEMBLING YOUR LOCAL CREW.
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